Me Today!

Such a lazy ass, yep, that' me
Listen to--Avril Lavigne: I'm with you (Not really like her tho)

I really don't have a spirit to move myself to do something worthy. I feel like a dead flesh sitting on the couch and watching all of those DVDs. I feel like a crap, in and out. I hate my parents for draging me all the time to support my sister, who apparently will have her so called SAT. I hate Dimas and myself for being jealous to him, I hate myself for not even have the spirit of holidays. And regrets all the projects I will have next year. I hate people who like me and ask me out. I hate them, don't they have any other girls to hit. I hate all the attetion that they give to me. I'm sick. Yes, I agree.

I had too much tears to cover with fake smiles.

I can't stand it anymore. I just hate it because why all of the attention that I get/need is not come from the guy who I want him to give me some!! FUCK!
I try to push myself out of limit. I try to understand with all of the job and project he headed. I try to, fuck, I try to fucking understand it all. So many times I lied to myself that I can understand it and being supportive with all the project he have. He don't want me to help him in his project! I don't want to be selfish and childish. But for GODSAKE! I just wanna help him. Is this it? just that? I fell like a complete loser.
Ironic isn't it. I have all the attention from guys who likes me, Danial, Piti, etc, but not from Dimas. Not from him.

Maybe he don't want to ruin my holidays. Right Holidays! Holidays! fuck holidays! You called this holidays? Can't spend time with your loved one! Holidays?! Right!

Maybe I just too scare I can't control myself anymore. I already make a decesion last nigth. I have to forget 'the other person' because I think I need Dimas more. But anything turn out to be something wrong. Why I feel insecure with Dimas. I still don't believe he really love me. I don't know if I'm some kinda freak paranoid or I'm too stupid to love someone. I feel stupid and lose control. I hate myself for losing control and being a stupid lover! I know it's only hurt myself. I can't belive in myself when I'm with Dimas.

I'm scare. You know what's funny? I don't even know why I scared for...